I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
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Worst Native American name ever.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
And bowling should be called pinball
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Worst perfume name ever.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids