The old gods are rising again.
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the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”