The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
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“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
somebody come look at this
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?