Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
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IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch