Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
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My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
broke down and did it
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Not messing around
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating