At least my masseuse has my back.
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Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
A choir of Spring onions
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
So true for me