Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
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Gross if literal…Liverpool
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.