Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
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Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”