Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
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my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.