Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
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Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick