My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
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– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
no regrets
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
If you know, you know
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
This guy gets it.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it