Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
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(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.