Brother?
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Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
happy friday
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops