Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
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feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop