*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Damn what did I do next
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.