My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
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im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer