How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
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When you don’t understand how floors work
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
inventing words: clothing
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
When I said I liked it rough.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance