went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
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Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.