Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
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The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Easy enough.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.