ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
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Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video