I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
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My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Muppet Screams
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them