Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
You Might Also Like
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
No, he would not have.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.