why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
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I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse