I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
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30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.