Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
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In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.