“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
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I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
My therapist after every session
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.