I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
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Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
bro what is going on at twitter
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?