Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
You Might Also Like
What?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
ibopfufen
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.