if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
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Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David