before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
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If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
What the hell happened in there??
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅