being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
You Might Also Like
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Mistakes were made
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
My dad is at it again
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)