Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
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classic mixup
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”