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i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.