A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
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My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u