I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
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Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
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They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Lmao the reply
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.