Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
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A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
(2022)
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
The first one, obviously
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!