I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
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Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.