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Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Taliband
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!