who wore it better?
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I don’t think my car can fly
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason