[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
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I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going