Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
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INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.