It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
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I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”