CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
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It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I’m Sold!
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.