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i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Wise advice
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of