Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
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TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Love is always patient and kind.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
You look like you would fail a DNA test
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Midwest trash talk