When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
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me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰