My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
You Might Also Like
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
This meal prepping shit easy
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one