Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
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I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time