HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
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How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”