angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
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Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.